Being sexually confident has nothing to do with your skills in the bedroom and everything to do with being confident in your own body and accepting the pleasure you deserve.
Naomi Hutchings, also known as the Australian Sexologist, is a clinical sexologist and relationship counsellor who has been working in the field of sexuality for over 15 years. Naomi was drawn to work in this field due to a strong desire to improve on what she determined to be an inadequate sexual health education and relationship curriculum in Australia.
She is incredibly passionate about the rights of all people to be able to experience the joys of inclusive and positive sexuality, sexual health and wellbeing, a big part of which is body confidence and self-esteem in the bedroom.
“During sexology sessions I regularly work with people (of all genders) to unpack their negative feelings about their bodies, it is a common experience many of us battle with. Feelings of inadequacy, shame, embarrassment and shyness are all incredibly common and it’s important to know that you’re not alone,” Naomi says.
Before Naomi dives into exploring ways to support clients to feel better about their bodies, she thinks it is important to acknowledge her own body privilege, as being a cisgender, white, smaller-bodied person comes with priviledges.
“I certainly have some privilege with my ‘smaller’ body size type, but that is not to say I don’t at times have body concerns myself,” she says.
“It is vital to acknowledge that the dominant narrative doesn’t always represent or consider the fact that bodies come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and abilities.
“I listen to and seek out a lot of fat activists online because fat phobia and poor body image plays out in many ways, medically, socially, culturally and absolutely in the sexual space.”
These issues stem from a range of channels that impact your subconscious more than you know. Naomi says a lot of these issues are prevalent due to constant exposure to societal expectations, this of course depends on where you lived and when you grew up.
I listen to and seek out a lot of fat activists online because fat phobia and poor body image plays out in many ways, medically, socially, culturally and absolutely in the sexual space.
“Living in Australia, we are being bombarded by societal and cultural expectations of bodies through mainstream media. The media predominantly portrays thin, cisgender, white and able bodied people. While we are definitely getting better there is still so much further to go,” Naomi says.
“Our families also play a huge factor in this. In many cases adult family members are still unpacking their own body image issues and without even realising can pass these negative messages on to those younger family members around them.
“They also come from peer groups, comments made by current or previous lovers and even the choice of porn you watch. There is so much pressure, not only from outside sources but the internalised pressures we place on ourselves too.”
It is no surprise that these kinds of feelings can impact you in a multitude of ways, from your sex life to your relationship with yourself and others, and even your ability to meet people.
“In regards to sex, people who suffer with body confidence issues may face a few problems. Sometimes I will see clients who can’t let go, stay tuned into their bodies and enjoy the sexual experience because they are worried about a multitude of things such as tummy rolls, or how their butt looks. They end up feeling awful about themselves and truly don’t believe that their partner/lover could be sexually aroused by them,” Naomi says.
“They shut themselves down to the point where they don’t feel pleasure or they don’t allow themselves to be in the moment and enjoy the experience.
Sometimes I will see clients who can’t let go, stay tuned into their bodies and enjoy the sexual experience because they are worried about a multitude of things such as tummy rolls, or how their butt looks.
“This can also lower their libido or stop them from wanting sex all together. This can lead to them having sex only for the other person involved but they’re not really having a great time themselves. This can cause a build up in resentment, sadness and often pain because they’re not in the headspace to feel pleasure. ”
These kinds of feelings can stop you from feeling comfortable within yourself.
“Not feeling comfortable can change the entire sexual experience. Some people like having the lights off when being sexual or then experience anxiety around undressing or being naked. This level of discomfort often means constantly battling internally and being in your head instead of being present,” Naomi says.
“It can also create feelings of unworthiness, including not feeling worthy of being allowed to enjoy sexual pleasure or receiving sexual pleasure.”
This creates a ripple effect that can further impact even the strongest relationships.
“Intimacy within our relationships can be hugely impacted when one partner is struggling in this way. I meet with many people who are genuinely sad because they are partnered with someone with body image issues and it hurts them that their partner can’t see how much they love and are attracted to them,” Naomi says.
“If your lack of body confidence is leading you to avoid sex or to not feel free in your sexual space it may lead to an avoidance of sexual intimacy and a communication breakdown. Your partner might feel resentment, sadness or even rejection, often these feelings grow overtime. This is especially heightened if there are other parts of the relationship that aren’t going well either.”
For some people body confidence issues may even limit their opportunities to be with someone.
If your lack of body confidence is leading you to avoid sex or to not feel free in your sexual space it may lead to an avoidance of sexual intimacy and a communication breakdown.
“They can be so concerned about themselves that they won’t even try to meet people. I see people who won’t go on dating apps or even on dates because they are so concerned about their bodies,” Naomi says.
“They might be really shy or just not feeling good about themselves so that stops them from putting themselves out there, as they truly believe that no one would want to be with them or find them attractive.”
There are so many layers to creating body confidence and conquering your fears in the bedroom as every person is unique. However, Naomi says “it’s important to recognise that it is an ongoing process, which we will be constantly unpacking and so we need to come at it from a lot of different angles”.
Naomi works with many people one-on-one and in couples to help them overcome body confidence issues. But she also has a few tips that can help you work on yourself.
Diversify your social media
“If you are using social media, specifically Instagram, it is so important to diversify your feed. That means following people with different coloured skin to yours, people of different ages, different body sizes, disability, sexuality and fat activists and members of the LGBTIQ+ community that talk about sex and body positivity. Eventually if you do that your feed and the explore page will be way more diverse, which is so important on your journey of letting go of unrealistic body expectations,” Naomi says.
“You may feel uncomfortable at first, but that’s because you need time to retrain your mind to become comfortable with seeing the enormous diversity of humans. Allowing yourself access to the voices and images of confident people, from a range of diverse backgrounds who are proud of their body and sexuality will help liberate you from old unhelpful narratives.
This also means unfollowing those in your feed who don’t serve you
“You need to unfollow anyone who you find yourself comparing negatively to. There are many people online who are spreading toxic messages about diet culture and body image,” Naomi says.
Become comfortable with all bodies
“A guaranteed way to see Photoshop, filter-free, real bodies is by going to the beach or the pool. Look around at the wonderfully diverse people you see. You will see they have body hair, cellulite, short legs, round bellies, whatever it may be. Just take in how different every single one of them is,” Naomi says.
“Another great resource for those with concerns about the way their genitals look is the Labia Library. This is an online website where people have uploaded images of their labia. It shows great diversity of labia and proves that there really is no ‘normal’.
“In all of these steps it is important to remind yourself that you may be uncomfortable at first, but it’s a slow, ongoing journey. It is good to be curious about where you get your thoughts and beliefs from. You may want to start slowly and build up to looking for longer and longer periods.”
Positive affirmations
“Positive affirmations can also be a great way to help you feel confident and sexual at any size. There are studies that show if you do positive affirmations regularly they really do help to change the mind set,” Naomi says.
“I love Ashlee Bennett (@bodyimage_therapist), who is not only a great person to follow on Instagram, but also makes affirmations that you can stick on the mirror, on your fridge or anywhere around your house. These affirmations include sayings like ‘I’m more than my body’ and ‘We are more than what appears in the mirror’.
“While positive affirmations are great, it is also important to acknowledge that sometimes we will all have days when you just don’t feed good and that’s OK too.”
Be kinder to yourself
“As I mentioned, some days are just worse than others. When those days come around I think it is important to practice being kinder to ourselves. We are often our worst critics and we can never see ourselves how someone else sees us,” she says.
“A good way to challenge these thoughts on those yucky days is to talk to yourself the same way you would a child or a dear friend. If they were having an off day what would you say to that person? Would you be kind to them? I think you’ll find the answer is yes.
“Another tip to pull yourself out of that funk is to practise little bits of self care. This can often help you get over those icky days. Whether that be wearing your favourite top (the one that always makes you feel great) or a shade of lipstick that gives you an extra boost.”
Don’t focus on physical compliments
“You are way more than your looks,” Naomi says.
“I suggest folks practise with others and instead of always giving physical compliments, think about ways you can compliment people without commenting on their looks. Simple things like ‘You look really relaxed’ or ‘You look happy today’ or ‘I love hanging out with you because you’re so intelligent/funny/charismatic’, whatever it might be, don’t focus on something external.
“This is a way to help other people (and yourself) see that we are so much more than the way we look. Do this with those around you at first and with time you’ll find you start thinking about yourself differently too.”
Be curious
“It can be a great tool to get curious about things we are fed by the media and society, not everything we see is real (think Instagram),” Naomi says.
“It would make such a difference if the media had disclaimers on images and billboards stating what has been edited and filtered. We need to be critiquing what we see in the media and recognising that it isn’t necessarily all real. I can guarantee if we grew up seeing unedited images we would all be so much better off. While we are getting a little better in advertising we still need much more diversity, all of the time.”
Ask for help
If you’re struggling to get on top of your body confidence it is important to know there is support available.
“There are so many great resources out there that can help you. Coming to see someone like me to work through and unpack what is going on inside you, Ashlee Bennet, who I mentioned earlier, runs workshops around body image and there are heaps of great books too, such as The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay and Appetite: Sex, Touch and Desire in Women with Anorexia by Melissa A. Fabello. There is so much support available, you just need to know where to look,” Naomi says.
“Personally, I have much experience working with people from a diverse range of backgrounds and strive to understand and acknowledge the way race, culture, ability, gender and sexuality intersect in people’s lives.”
Article
How to create body confidence in the bedroom, according to the Australian Sexologist
Being sexually confident has nothing to do with your skills in the bedroom and everything to do with being confident in your own body and accepting the pleasure you deserve.
Naomi Hutchings, also known as the Australian Sexologist, is a clinical sexologist and relationship counsellor who has been working in the field of sexuality for over 15 years. Naomi was drawn to work in this field due to a strong desire to improve on what she determined to be an inadequate sexual health education and relationship curriculum in Australia.
She is incredibly passionate about the rights of all people to be able to experience the joys of inclusive and positive sexuality, sexual health and wellbeing, a big part of which is body confidence and self-esteem in the bedroom.
“During sexology sessions I regularly work with people (of all genders) to unpack their negative feelings about their bodies, it is a common experience many of us battle with. Feelings of inadequacy, shame, embarrassment and shyness are all incredibly common and it’s important to know that you’re not alone,” Naomi says.
Before Naomi dives into exploring ways to support clients to feel better about their bodies, she thinks it is important to acknowledge her own body privilege, as being a cisgender, white, smaller-bodied person comes with priviledges.
“I certainly have some privilege with my ‘smaller’ body size type, but that is not to say I don’t at times have body concerns myself,” she says.
“It is vital to acknowledge that the dominant narrative doesn’t always represent or consider the fact that bodies come in all different shapes, sizes, colours and abilities.
“I listen to and seek out a lot of fat activists online because fat phobia and poor body image plays out in many ways, medically, socially, culturally and absolutely in the sexual space.”
These issues stem from a range of channels that impact your subconscious more than you know. Naomi says a lot of these issues are prevalent due to constant exposure to societal expectations, this of course depends on where you lived and when you grew up.
“Living in Australia, we are being bombarded by societal and cultural expectations of bodies through mainstream media. The media predominantly portrays thin, cisgender, white and able bodied people. While we are definitely getting better there is still so much further to go,” Naomi says.
“Our families also play a huge factor in this. In many cases adult family members are still unpacking their own body image issues and without even realising can pass these negative messages on to those younger family members around them.
“They also come from peer groups, comments made by current or previous lovers and even the choice of porn you watch. There is so much pressure, not only from outside sources but the internalised pressures we place on ourselves too.”
It is no surprise that these kinds of feelings can impact you in a multitude of ways, from your sex life to your relationship with yourself and others, and even your ability to meet people.
“In regards to sex, people who suffer with body confidence issues may face a few problems. Sometimes I will see clients who can’t let go, stay tuned into their bodies and enjoy the sexual experience because they are worried about a multitude of things such as tummy rolls, or how their butt looks. They end up feeling awful about themselves and truly don’t believe that their partner/lover could be sexually aroused by them,” Naomi says.
“They shut themselves down to the point where they don’t feel pleasure or they don’t allow themselves to be in the moment and enjoy the experience.
“This can also lower their libido or stop them from wanting sex all together. This can lead to them having sex only for the other person involved but they’re not really having a great time themselves. This can cause a build up in resentment, sadness and often pain because they’re not in the headspace to feel pleasure. ”
These kinds of feelings can stop you from feeling comfortable within yourself.
“Not feeling comfortable can change the entire sexual experience. Some people like having the lights off when being sexual or then experience anxiety around undressing or being naked. This level of discomfort often means constantly battling internally and being in your head instead of being present,” Naomi says.
“It can also create feelings of unworthiness, including not feeling worthy of being allowed to enjoy sexual pleasure or receiving sexual pleasure.”
This creates a ripple effect that can further impact even the strongest relationships.
“Intimacy within our relationships can be hugely impacted when one partner is struggling in this way. I meet with many people who are genuinely sad because they are partnered with someone with body image issues and it hurts them that their partner can’t see how much they love and are attracted to them,” Naomi says.
“If your lack of body confidence is leading you to avoid sex or to not feel free in your sexual space it may lead to an avoidance of sexual intimacy and a communication breakdown. Your partner might feel resentment, sadness or even rejection, often these feelings grow overtime. This is especially heightened if there are other parts of the relationship that aren’t going well either.”
For some people body confidence issues may even limit their opportunities to be with someone.
“They can be so concerned about themselves that they won’t even try to meet people. I see people who won’t go on dating apps or even on dates because they are so concerned about their bodies,” Naomi says.
“They might be really shy or just not feeling good about themselves so that stops them from putting themselves out there, as they truly believe that no one would want to be with them or find them attractive.”
There are so many layers to creating body confidence and conquering your fears in the bedroom as every person is unique. However, Naomi says “it’s important to recognise that it is an ongoing process, which we will be constantly unpacking and so we need to come at it from a lot of different angles”.
Naomi works with many people one-on-one and in couples to help them overcome body confidence issues. But she also has a few tips that can help you work on yourself.
Diversify your social media
“If you are using social media, specifically Instagram, it is so important to diversify your feed. That means following people with different coloured skin to yours, people of different ages, different body sizes, disability, sexuality and fat activists and members of the LGBTIQ+ community that talk about sex and body positivity. Eventually if you do that your feed and the explore page will be way more diverse, which is so important on your journey of letting go of unrealistic body expectations,” Naomi says.
“You may feel uncomfortable at first, but that’s because you need time to retrain your mind to become comfortable with seeing the enormous diversity of humans. Allowing yourself access to the voices and images of confident people, from a range of diverse backgrounds who are proud of their body and sexuality will help liberate you from old unhelpful narratives.
This also means unfollowing those in your feed who don’t serve you
“You need to unfollow anyone who you find yourself comparing negatively to. There are many people online who are spreading toxic messages about diet culture and body image,” Naomi says.
Become comfortable with all bodies
“A guaranteed way to see Photoshop, filter-free, real bodies is by going to the beach or the pool. Look around at the wonderfully diverse people you see. You will see they have body hair, cellulite, short legs, round bellies, whatever it may be. Just take in how different every single one of them is,” Naomi says.
“Another great resource for those with concerns about the way their genitals look is the Labia Library. This is an online website where people have uploaded images of their labia. It shows great diversity of labia and proves that there really is no ‘normal’.
“In all of these steps it is important to remind yourself that you may be uncomfortable at first, but it’s a slow, ongoing journey. It is good to be curious about where you get your thoughts and beliefs from. You may want to start slowly and build up to looking for longer and longer periods.”
Positive affirmations
“Positive affirmations can also be a great way to help you feel confident and sexual at any size. There are studies that show if you do positive affirmations regularly they really do help to change the mind set,” Naomi says.
“I love Ashlee Bennett (@bodyimage_therapist), who is not only a great person to follow on Instagram, but also makes affirmations that you can stick on the mirror, on your fridge or anywhere around your house. These affirmations include sayings like ‘I’m more than my body’ and ‘We are more than what appears in the mirror’.
“While positive affirmations are great, it is also important to acknowledge that sometimes we will all have days when you just don’t feed good and that’s OK too.”
Be kinder to yourself
“As I mentioned, some days are just worse than others. When those days come around I think it is important to practice being kinder to ourselves. We are often our worst critics and we can never see ourselves how someone else sees us,” she says.
“A good way to challenge these thoughts on those yucky days is to talk to yourself the same way you would a child or a dear friend. If they were having an off day what would you say to that person? Would you be kind to them? I think you’ll find the answer is yes.
“Another tip to pull yourself out of that funk is to practise little bits of self care. This can often help you get over those icky days. Whether that be wearing your favourite top (the one that always makes you feel great) or a shade of lipstick that gives you an extra boost.”
Don’t focus on physical compliments
“You are way more than your looks,” Naomi says.
“I suggest folks practise with others and instead of always giving physical compliments, think about ways you can compliment people without commenting on their looks. Simple things like ‘You look really relaxed’ or ‘You look happy today’ or ‘I love hanging out with you because you’re so intelligent/funny/charismatic’, whatever it might be, don’t focus on something external.
“This is a way to help other people (and yourself) see that we are so much more than the way we look. Do this with those around you at first and with time you’ll find you start thinking about yourself differently too.”
Be curious
“It can be a great tool to get curious about things we are fed by the media and society, not everything we see is real (think Instagram),” Naomi says.
“It would make such a difference if the media had disclaimers on images and billboards stating what has been edited and filtered. We need to be critiquing what we see in the media and recognising that it isn’t necessarily all real. I can guarantee if we grew up seeing unedited images we would all be so much better off. While we are getting a little better in advertising we still need much more diversity, all of the time.”
Ask for help
If you’re struggling to get on top of your body confidence it is important to know there is support available.
“There are so many great resources out there that can help you. Coming to see someone like me to work through and unpack what is going on inside you, Ashlee Bennet, who I mentioned earlier, runs workshops around body image and there are heaps of great books too, such as The Body Is Not An Apology by Sonya Renee Taylor, Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body by Roxane Gay and Appetite: Sex, Touch and Desire in Women with Anorexia by Melissa A. Fabello. There is so much support available, you just need to know where to look,” Naomi says.
“Personally, I have much experience working with people from a diverse range of backgrounds and strive to understand and acknowledge the way race, culture, ability, gender and sexuality intersect in people’s lives.”
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