Whether you like your back rubbed before sleep or you want to venture into uncharted territory in sex, at some point in your relationship you’re going to want to ask your partner for something in bed.
And while asking for something generally seems pretty straightforward, we tend to struggle when it’s for personal gain.
Nirvana Pilkington is an embodied sex educator and yoga teacher. She says being able to ask for what we want in the bedroom is an empowering ability, but explains there’s a mindset to overcome first and a right way to go about it.
“Often when we think about asking for things during sex or foreplay, we avoid making it about ourselves. It’s like when you want a cup of tea and you ask the other person: ‘Would you like a cup of tea?’
“At risk of sounding crass, when a person once said to me, ‘Do you want me to cum for you baby?’ Personally, I don’t really care, but I’m aware this is something they desire to hear from me for their please. It’s not about me.”
In this situation, Nirvana explains that the question is not necessarily for the person hearing that request, but rather for the person asking.
She also notes the tension that exists around asking for what you want.
“People think they’re being selfish, and there’s shame around asking for what you want,” she says.
“We don’t want to be seen as selfish and we don’t want to impose on other people, and we also want to please other people.
“Speaking broadly, in our society, if you’re a person with a penis, you don’t want to be seen as a perpetrator. Whereas people with a vulva tend to please because it’s a form of safety to please.
“We’re left in this space where everyone’s worried about getting their needs met.”
Practising the art of saying no (and yes)
This is where learning to say yes and no comes in.
Nirvana works with couples to teach them how to ask for what they want. She says it all starts with learning how to say no.
“You can begin by asking a request such as ‘would you stroke the back of my head’ or ‘can I borrow the car’. The other person takes a breath and says no. And the other person says thank you.”
Often we see the word no as rejection. By learning to say thank you when someone tells you no, we are learning to be grateful for the clear boundary.
Boundaries, she suggests, are not just a cognitive understanding but also a feeling in the boundary. Recognising where that feeling lies in your body helps you to recognise when a boundary comes up or needs to be acknowledged.
“The next progression would be to invite in the yes. The yes has to be an enthusiastic yes. ‘Maybe’ or ‘I could’ for this exercise are a no. It helps to get more clear about when you really want to do something. Essentially, getting to know what you really want,” Nirvana says.
“This helps to normalise setting boundaries with our partner with less worry or fear of offending them and meeting rejection.”
Nirvana notes how important it is to really understand what yes and no means to us and our partner, as we don’t want a partner who says yes to us when it’s actually a no.
She suggests practising just asking for things. And you don’t have to just practise with your partner. After all, what are friends for?
“If can be really useful just in general – it’s the difference between having an attachment to people versus asking for people what we authentically need.
“And the result can be incredible. When you have that reaction to getting when you truly got what you’ve needed – for example hot sex or being touched the way we truly desire – it can be enough.”
