A wet vulva and an erect penis. That’s how the social narrative of sex is defined, making the assumption that it’s your genitals that reveal your true desires.
But if these signs of arousal are not present, one might believe that there’s something wrong. That you or your sexual partners either aren’t turned on, or aren’t enjoying the sexual activity you’re experiencing. Other times, someone’s genital response might feel like a personal affront and proof that they’re not as attracted to you as they lead you to believe.
This is the problematic version of how arousal actually works. Not only does this myth create mistrust and resentment, but you can also end up prioritising an automatic bodily response over explicit communication and trusting your partner’s words.
Not only does this myth create mistrust and resentment, but you can also end up prioritising an automatic bodily response over explicit communication and trusting your partner’s words.
The expectations of physical arousal place a great deal of pressure on everybody’s body to respond in a way that is consistent with this narrative. This pressure leads to performative sex where you and your partners might feel that you should have sex a certain way, follow a predefined script or physically demonstrate how aroused you are to be considered a good lover.
In reality, this pressure creates anxiety, expectations and stress that ultimately shut down arousal, pleasure and desire and exacerbates sexual dissatisfaction, relationship distress and low self-worth.
But there are also bigger issues at hand. When arousal is simplified to a genital response that supposedly communicates enjoyment – and the absence of genital arousal communicates the lack of enjoyment – we all risk becoming complicit in contributing to consent violations, rape culture, victim-blaming and survivor shaming.
Understanding that arousal is more than what meets the eye really does matter.
What is arousal?
Arousal is a sexual response system that includes liking, excitement, learning and responding. It occurs in both the mind (subjective or mental arousal) and the body (physical arousal), with the most important organ being your brain rather than what’s in your pants.
Contrary to popular belief, physical arousal, defined as a genital response of lubrication, erections, increased blood flow and tingles, doesn’t reliably communicate liking, enjoyment or excitement.
Physical arousal responds to whether something is sexually relevant, i.e. when you see something sexy or something that looks like sex, blood is automatically directed towards your genitals to prepare your body for intercourse that it’s expecting might happen. This response doesn’t tell you anything about how much you’re enjoying what you’re witnessing and whether you’re mentally excited by it.
Mental arousal, on the other hand, is a subjective experience of how turned on you feel. This aspect of arousal can take time to build, with most folks needing anywhere from 15 minutes to 60 minutes to start feeling excited enough in their mind-bodies after connecting with their turn-ons.
Mental arousal is the part of arousal that is context-dependent and tends to take a hit when you’re stressed, feeling strong feelings, experiencing body dissatisfaction, distracted, feeling annoyed at your partner or unsatisfied with sexual and relational intimacy.
When mental and physical arousal doesn’t sync up
Sex educator and author of Come As You Are Emily Nagoski frequently discusses the phenomenon called arousal non-concordance – the disparity between mental arousal (the mind) and physical arousal (the body).
When mental and physical arousal are in sync, sexual encounters tend to be the most pleasurable because you’re mentally turned on and your body is responding, meaning all your erogenous zones, including your genitals, are sensitive to touch and you’re mentally prepared to experience pleasure.
When arousal doesn’t overlap, both outercourse and intercourse tend to be uncomfortable, painful or unsatisfying because the mind or the body isn’t ready for sexual acts.
Being distracted, having sex when you don’t feel like it, not having enough mental and physical stimulation and not allowing enough time to build arousal all contributes to arousal non-concordance.
Being distracted, having sex when you don’t feel like it, not having enough mental and physical stimulation and not allowing enough time to build arousal all contributes to arousal non-concordance.
Arousal non-concordance in action is experiencing genital tingles, vaginal lubrication or an erection in response to watching a distressing rape scene in a movie. Having a genital response doesn’t mean you secretly enjoyed it, it means your body perceived it as sexually relevant.
Similarly, feeling turned on and enjoying the sex you’re having without vaginal lubrication or without erection is another common example of arousal non-concordance that often leads to confusion and conflict in relationships.
Sexual violence and consent violations sometimes occur when physical arousal is present, assumed as an indicator of consent and non-consensual acts proceed without checking in or without verbal confirmation.
Arousal non-concordance isn’t a bad thing in itself, it can however be confusing and significant issues arise when the discourse surrounding arousal is to believe listening to people’s bodies over their words and more subtle signs of how they might be feeling.
It’s a widespread social and systemic problem when physical arousal is used to justify or “prove” that someone actually wanted or enjoyed sexual violence despite the fact that they might’ve frozen, were overpowered, felt coerced, felt like they couldn’t say no or were pressured to agree to escape the situation.
Connecting with your turn-ons and dealing with your turn-offs
Arousal is a necessary part of having satisfying sex, however you define it.
Yet in the same way that you are your own pleasure advocate, you’re also responsible for building your own arousal and dealing with the obstacles that get in the way of it, rather than depending on sexual partners to turn you on.
Figuring out what turns you off and dealing with these first creates capacity to connect deeply with the things that turn you on.
Evidence-based strategies for dealing with stress include movement and physical activity, creative expression, connecting with nature, meditation and mindfulness, deep breathing, emotional expression, affection and pleasure which are all essential ways of processing and shifting stress to make space to get mentally turned on.
When it comes to building arousal on your own or in the company of your partner(s), you might enjoy pleasurable touch, kissing, a massage, watching or reading erotica, fantasising, a relaxing bath or shared shower to gradually transition in the mood.
You also don’t have to wait until you’re fully turned on and feeling strong desire before you decide to get sexy. Because sex is a choice, sometimes the choice to have sex or prioritise time to play with your turn-ons alongside ongoing communication and checking in are the main ingredients for a fulfilling and connected sex life.
When sex is defined by you, when sex is a choice, when you have realistic expectations of arousal, diverse bodies and body responses, when you prioritise communication and check in regularly and when you give yourself enough time, you might find your sexual experiences become increasingly pleasurable with more patience, less pressure, increased feelings of safety and deeper connections.
This article was contributed by Kassandra Mourikis, a Melbourne Sexologist and founder of Pleasure Centred Sexology.
Article
The hard, wet truth about arousal
A wet vulva and an erect penis. That’s how the social narrative of sex is defined, making the assumption that it’s your genitals that reveal your true desires.
But if these signs of arousal are not present, one might believe that there’s something wrong. That you or your sexual partners either aren’t turned on, or aren’t enjoying the sexual activity you’re experiencing. Other times, someone’s genital response might feel like a personal affront and proof that they’re not as attracted to you as they lead you to believe.
This is the problematic version of how arousal actually works. Not only does this myth create mistrust and resentment, but you can also end up prioritising an automatic bodily response over explicit communication and trusting your partner’s words.
The expectations of physical arousal place a great deal of pressure on everybody’s body to respond in a way that is consistent with this narrative. This pressure leads to performative sex where you and your partners might feel that you should have sex a certain way, follow a predefined script or physically demonstrate how aroused you are to be considered a good lover.
In reality, this pressure creates anxiety, expectations and stress that ultimately shut down arousal, pleasure and desire and exacerbates sexual dissatisfaction, relationship distress and low self-worth.
But there are also bigger issues at hand. When arousal is simplified to a genital response that supposedly communicates enjoyment – and the absence of genital arousal communicates the lack of enjoyment – we all risk becoming complicit in contributing to consent violations, rape culture, victim-blaming and survivor shaming.
Understanding that arousal is more than what meets the eye really does matter.
What is arousal?
Arousal is a sexual response system that includes liking, excitement, learning and responding. It occurs in both the mind (subjective or mental arousal) and the body (physical arousal), with the most important organ being your brain rather than what’s in your pants.
Contrary to popular belief, physical arousal, defined as a genital response of lubrication, erections, increased blood flow and tingles, doesn’t reliably communicate liking, enjoyment or excitement.
Physical arousal responds to whether something is sexually relevant, i.e. when you see something sexy or something that looks like sex, blood is automatically directed towards your genitals to prepare your body for intercourse that it’s expecting might happen. This response doesn’t tell you anything about how much you’re enjoying what you’re witnessing and whether you’re mentally excited by it.
Mental arousal, on the other hand, is a subjective experience of how turned on you feel. This aspect of arousal can take time to build, with most folks needing anywhere from 15 minutes to 60 minutes to start feeling excited enough in their mind-bodies after connecting with their turn-ons.
Mental arousal is the part of arousal that is context-dependent and tends to take a hit when you’re stressed, feeling strong feelings, experiencing body dissatisfaction, distracted, feeling annoyed at your partner or unsatisfied with sexual and relational intimacy.
When mental and physical arousal doesn’t sync up
Sex educator and author of Come As You Are Emily Nagoski frequently discusses the phenomenon called arousal non-concordance – the disparity between mental arousal (the mind) and physical arousal (the body).
When mental and physical arousal are in sync, sexual encounters tend to be the most pleasurable because you’re mentally turned on and your body is responding, meaning all your erogenous zones, including your genitals, are sensitive to touch and you’re mentally prepared to experience pleasure.
When arousal doesn’t overlap, both outercourse and intercourse tend to be uncomfortable, painful or unsatisfying because the mind or the body isn’t ready for sexual acts.
Being distracted, having sex when you don’t feel like it, not having enough mental and physical stimulation and not allowing enough time to build arousal all contributes to arousal non-concordance.
Arousal non-concordance in action is experiencing genital tingles, vaginal lubrication or an erection in response to watching a distressing rape scene in a movie. Having a genital response doesn’t mean you secretly enjoyed it, it means your body perceived it as sexually relevant.
Similarly, feeling turned on and enjoying the sex you’re having without vaginal lubrication or without erection is another common example of arousal non-concordance that often leads to confusion and conflict in relationships.
Sexual violence and consent violations sometimes occur when physical arousal is present, assumed as an indicator of consent and non-consensual acts proceed without checking in or without verbal confirmation.
Arousal non-concordance isn’t a bad thing in itself, it can however be confusing and significant issues arise when the discourse surrounding arousal is to believe listening to people’s bodies over their words and more subtle signs of how they might be feeling.
It’s a widespread social and systemic problem when physical arousal is used to justify or “prove” that someone actually wanted or enjoyed sexual violence despite the fact that they might’ve frozen, were overpowered, felt coerced, felt like they couldn’t say no or were pressured to agree to escape the situation.
Connecting with your turn-ons and dealing with your turn-offs
Arousal is a necessary part of having satisfying sex, however you define it.
Yet in the same way that you are your own pleasure advocate, you’re also responsible for building your own arousal and dealing with the obstacles that get in the way of it, rather than depending on sexual partners to turn you on.
Figuring out what turns you off and dealing with these first creates capacity to connect deeply with the things that turn you on.
Evidence-based strategies for dealing with stress include movement and physical activity, creative expression, connecting with nature, meditation and mindfulness, deep breathing, emotional expression, affection and pleasure which are all essential ways of processing and shifting stress to make space to get mentally turned on.
When it comes to building arousal on your own or in the company of your partner(s), you might enjoy pleasurable touch, kissing, a massage, watching or reading erotica, fantasising, a relaxing bath or shared shower to gradually transition in the mood.
You also don’t have to wait until you’re fully turned on and feeling strong desire before you decide to get sexy. Because sex is a choice, sometimes the choice to have sex or prioritise time to play with your turn-ons alongside ongoing communication and checking in are the main ingredients for a fulfilling and connected sex life.
When sex is defined by you, when sex is a choice, when you have realistic expectations of arousal, diverse bodies and body responses, when you prioritise communication and check in regularly and when you give yourself enough time, you might find your sexual experiences become increasingly pleasurable with more patience, less pressure, increased feelings of safety and deeper connections.
This article was contributed by Kassandra Mourikis, a Melbourne Sexologist and founder of Pleasure Centred Sexology.
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