Often when we think of sex our first thought is of a penetrative action. Of a penis entering a vagina. We are taught growing up that we haven’t lost our virginity until we have had this kind of sex. Penetration always seems like the ultimate end goal.
But what if sex wasn’t defined by these traditional heteronormative values? What if we defined sex as only an umbrella term for multiple actions that focus on pleasure rather than penetration?
The definition of sexual intercourse is “sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.”
Although teaching this definition is important for understanding modes of conception and reproduction, it does not represent sex as a broader term full of unlimited possibilities. This definition of sex also negates other forms of penetrative sexual acts between queer couples, as well as other non-penetrative acts as vital parts of sex.
What if we defined sex as only an umbrella term for multiple actions that focus on pleasure rather than penetration?
Members of our youngest generations, millennials and Gen-Zs, have learnt a lot of their sex education through porn. A large proportion of heterosexual porn, specifically free internet porn, is largely biased towards penetration. There is often little exploration of foreplay, and the women almost always orgasm after a few minutes of thrusting, in an unrealistic display of the female g-spot orgasm.
In a recent UK study, 55% of men said porn had been their main source of sex education. If a large majority of young people’s sex education is through the consumption of porn – an industry that splits sex very solidly down traditional gender lines, of active male and passive female – then this is potentially harmful for large parts of the queer community who are fighting to be recognised as non-binary or as transgender.
If the main view of sex is penetrative, and that it occurs through the male/female binary, what space does this leave for a reformation of our ideas of gender, queer sex or sexual exploration?
The issue with defining sexual intercourse as based around penetration is that it negates LGBTQ+ sex. As Victoria Parrott the founder of sex toy and sex positivity company Naked Grapefruit explains: “Heteronormative language permeates almost every aspect of our society and language around sex is no different.” Queer sex can revolve not around penetration, but around what heterosexual couples may deem as foreplay. Sex being defined as a man putting his penis in a woman’s vagina is also a potentially damaging definition for the trans community. Often trans people who are transitioning, or who have not yet transitioned, do not necessarily have the outward presentation of genitalia that traditionally corresponds with their gender.
Many in the trans community are also choosing not to get sex reassignment surgery, and others do not use normative terms for their genitalia. Trans and non-binary people shouldn’t be pigeon-holed by the heteronormative roles of a female receptive partner and a dominant male partner in the bedroom, depending on their genitalia.
The idea of a penetrative end-goal also reduces pleasure for heterosexual couples. If we move the focus away from sex as penetration, women can more confidently assert their own desire for acts of foreplay, and for clitoral stimulation as the main sex act. As Victoria Parrott suggests: “As long as we consider all other acts as simply ‘foreplay’, we’re never going to progress to better all-round sex and more orgasms.”
In a recent study conducted by Durex it was found that only 20% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. By expanding the definition of sexual intercourse, many couples may re-evaluate what makes each other orgasm, as well as reducing the pressure on men to make a woman orgasm via penetration. This may in turn have an impact on the orgasm gap, which shows the disparity between the amount of male and female orgasms. In the Durex study it was found that 20% of women were never, or very rarely able to orgasm, as opposed to 2% of men. Although sex is not a race to orgasm, and pleasure should be prioritised before climax, a move away from penetration could enable couples to explore and understand that there is not only one way to have sex.
We need a sex education that increases a much-needed discourse around pleasure and healthy consensual sex, and provides a new definition of sex that is broader and more accepting. Our sexual lives should not be defined by what is between our legs, nor should they be defined by one simple act.
Some gay men may wish to participate in anal sex, but many may only find pleasure in other sexual acts. Some lesbian women may enjoy using a strap on for sex, and many may only desire oral sex. We live in a world of many genders, sexual orientations and attractions; it doesn’t make sense to limit sex to one category. There shouldn’t be a one-size-fits-all term for an action that has endless possibilities.
Article
The definition of sexual intercourse as penetration needs to be binned, and here’s why
Often when we think of sex our first thought is of a penetrative action. Of a penis entering a vagina. We are taught growing up that we haven’t lost our virginity until we have had this kind of sex. Penetration always seems like the ultimate end goal.
But what if sex wasn’t defined by these traditional heteronormative values? What if we defined sex as only an umbrella term for multiple actions that focus on pleasure rather than penetration?
The definition of sexual intercourse is “sexual contact between individuals involving penetration, especially the insertion of a man’s erect penis into a woman’s vagina, typically culminating in orgasm and the ejaculation of semen.”
Although teaching this definition is important for understanding modes of conception and reproduction, it does not represent sex as a broader term full of unlimited possibilities. This definition of sex also negates other forms of penetrative sexual acts between queer couples, as well as other non-penetrative acts as vital parts of sex.
Members of our youngest generations, millennials and Gen-Zs, have learnt a lot of their sex education through porn. A large proportion of heterosexual porn, specifically free internet porn, is largely biased towards penetration. There is often little exploration of foreplay, and the women almost always orgasm after a few minutes of thrusting, in an unrealistic display of the female g-spot orgasm.
In a recent UK study, 55% of men said porn had been their main source of sex education. If a large majority of young people’s sex education is through the consumption of porn – an industry that splits sex very solidly down traditional gender lines, of active male and passive female – then this is potentially harmful for large parts of the queer community who are fighting to be recognised as non-binary or as transgender.
If the main view of sex is penetrative, and that it occurs through the male/female binary, what space does this leave for a reformation of our ideas of gender, queer sex or sexual exploration?
The issue with defining sexual intercourse as based around penetration is that it negates LGBTQ+ sex. As Victoria Parrott the founder of sex toy and sex positivity company Naked Grapefruit explains: “Heteronormative language permeates almost every aspect of our society and language around sex is no different.” Queer sex can revolve not around penetration, but around what heterosexual couples may deem as foreplay. Sex being defined as a man putting his penis in a woman’s vagina is also a potentially damaging definition for the trans community. Often trans people who are transitioning, or who have not yet transitioned, do not necessarily have the outward presentation of genitalia that traditionally corresponds with their gender.
Many in the trans community are also choosing not to get sex reassignment surgery, and others do not use normative terms for their genitalia. Trans and non-binary people shouldn’t be pigeon-holed by the heteronormative roles of a female receptive partner and a dominant male partner in the bedroom, depending on their genitalia.
The idea of a penetrative end-goal also reduces pleasure for heterosexual couples. If we move the focus away from sex as penetration, women can more confidently assert their own desire for acts of foreplay, and for clitoral stimulation as the main sex act. As Victoria Parrott suggests: “As long as we consider all other acts as simply ‘foreplay’, we’re never going to progress to better all-round sex and more orgasms.”
In a recent study conducted by Durex it was found that only 20% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration. By expanding the definition of sexual intercourse, many couples may re-evaluate what makes each other orgasm, as well as reducing the pressure on men to make a woman orgasm via penetration. This may in turn have an impact on the orgasm gap, which shows the disparity between the amount of male and female orgasms. In the Durex study it was found that 20% of women were never, or very rarely able to orgasm, as opposed to 2% of men. Although sex is not a race to orgasm, and pleasure should be prioritised before climax, a move away from penetration could enable couples to explore and understand that there is not only one way to have sex.
We need a sex education that increases a much-needed discourse around pleasure and healthy consensual sex, and provides a new definition of sex that is broader and more accepting. Our sexual lives should not be defined by what is between our legs, nor should they be defined by one simple act.
Some gay men may wish to participate in anal sex, but many may only find pleasure in other sexual acts. Some lesbian women may enjoy using a strap on for sex, and many may only desire oral sex. We live in a world of many genders, sexual orientations and attractions; it doesn’t make sense to limit sex to one category. There shouldn’t be a one-size-fits-all term for an action that has endless possibilities.
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