It’s a common story. It might be around the 12-month mark in a relationship. Or maybe it’s a bit further down the track when you start realising your sex life just isn’t what it used to be. Bed becomes a place of utility. Work has taken over. And there just doesn’t seem to be any time for sex. More than that, you, or your partner, are never really in the mood. Sound familiar?

Well, fret not. There’s a) nothing wrong with you or your partner, and b) always ways to reignite passion in the bedroom.

Nirvana Pilkington is an embodied sex educator and yoga teacher. She says there are a few beliefs that get in our way when it comes to intimacy in our relationships.

“People assume that sex should just happen,” she says. “It used to be spontaneous – so that’s how it should continue. Well, sorry to burst your bubble but spontaneity in relation to sex is a myth.

“The thing is that when we like someone we tend to do things for them – buy a new outfit, make time, choose a nice place for dinner. We do things to create a situation to build intimacy.

“Another barrier is the belief that if this is the right person, the feelings will just be there. This leads to us thinking that maybe they’re not for us – and that way of thinking can impact our ability to create time and space for intimacy.”

Nirvana says that what we should be doing in these situations is asking ourselves what we can do in our lives to create time and space for our partners.

First we need to ask ourselves how important this person is to us to help recognise the true feelings of love and affection for our partner.

And once we realise the myths of spontaneous, organic and intense sexual attraction, we can take our attention to creating the space we need.

Creating physical space

As Nirvana points out, at the start of relationships – when the sex is “hot” – we tend to do a lot more to create intimate settings. It might be a lovely date night out. It could be dancing together in a bar or club. Even Netflix and chilling is setting the scene for a saucy night together.

If you want to create more space for you and your partner to be intimate, you need to go back to the things that you enjoyed doing together. And as boring as it sounds – you actually need to schedule this in.

Nirvana says this shouldn’t be a sad state of affairs, because this is what we have to do in all areas of our lives.

“Just think about it from the perspective of doing other things you enjoy,” she says.

“We always make time for our family. We have to make time for our friends or we wouldn’t see them. We also make time for ourselves – whether it’s a bath or reading a book. Why wouldn’t this extend to intimacy with our partner?”

Accepting this is the first step, and then you can book in a regular date at a time that suits you and your partner. And there’s no pressure – it’s more about giving yourself the space to be together fully rather than making sure you bang.

Creating mental space

So you’ve arrived at date night and things are looking good… but then your phone goes off and your attention is pulled away. Or maybe you’re *still* thinking about work.

For this reason, creating mental space is just as important – if not more important – than the physical time to connect.

Nirvana suggests switching off your phone during the time you’re spending together, or removing any other distractions.

“Start to take away those things that will pull you into distractions,” she says.

“We all have distractions and they’re really common. Even while we’re having sex we will get distracted.”

After that, it’s about getting into a peaceful (or at least not stressed) state of mind. And there’s a couple of activities that can help with this.

“Notice how you’re breathing. Most people are shallow breathers which means they aren’t breathing into their belly. This can create a state of unrest or stress.”

Nirvana suggests spending some time breathing, or maybe even dancing or singing to let go of the day and release tension.

“Singing is especially relaxing because it the vagus nerve – the longest nerve in our body and one which connects us to feeling and helps to release tension.

But if you don’t feel like belting out a tune, there’s lots of great apps for breathing and meditation too.

Other than that, Nirvana encourages keeping a curious and playful mind, and drop any expectations.

“When we’re outcomes focused we tend to put pressure ourselves,” she says.

“We’re such an outcomes-driven society that when we stay like that in our relationships we’re putting more pressure on ourselves and can end up disappointed.

“Cultivate curiosity and a state of playfulness and awareness. Ask yourself: If I could have anything that I wanted, what would it look like? Create a night that honours and supports both of you.”